Boundaries and the Holidays
They are upon us! The Holidays. I love Christmas and New Year’s. I love the sights, the sounds, the laughter, and all the sweets. But I also know the holidays are not the easiest sometimes. I know that family dynamics can be hard. Navigating all of the events you feel required to attend while remaining unscathed can seem daunting and almost impossible. In this short blog I won’t be able to get to the root of all of the issues and past hurts regarding this season and family. If I’m honest, there are many situations that at this point I would remove myself and my family from, BUT I also know it’s not always that easy. Maybe you aren’t there yet in regards to boundaries. (Don’t worry; stick with me long enough and you will be.) So I want to at least give you a few thoughts/tools/mindset shifts that will maybe lighten the load a little.
1. Be proactively prepared.
You have gone to these events before, and you have a pretty good idea of what could go down, so make sure you’re getting ahead of the possible tough situations. For instance, you know when family member A gets into the kitchen with family member B, it can be dicey or explosive; so have an activity ready or an errand to run for your family that gets you out of the house. Maybe it’s a touch football game with everyone left in the room. Have that prepared and ready to go when the situation arises.
Maybe there’s a family member that always has too much to drink and it makes you uncomfortable or fearful for your family to be around it. HAVE AN OUT. Make sure you have something planned to do at a certain time that has you leaving before it gets too out of hand.
2. Be open to change and Manage expectations.
One of the greatest things you can do for yourself and your family is to be open to changing situations or circumstances. Managing expectations, which I talk a lot about, is so important when heading into this busy season of hustle, bustle, and family. Knowing ahead of time that dinner times may change, the people coming may change, the food may change (or not be what we are hoping for at all) will help you to prepare to be flexible. Being flexible and fluid will change EVERYTHING about how you feel about the outcome. You won’t be disappointed because you will be prepared for anything! So often joy is not experienced because we can’t cope with things not being the way we want them to be. Let’s stop the madness. It’s life. Life is not perfect. We are in this with other people that have different wants, strengths, and their own expectations. The goal is to understand that people are generally doing the best they can with what they know. When we can do that, being fluid and flexible becomes easier and we are able to deal with change better and actually have a nice time.
3. Communicate.
The best way to head off tough situations before they happen is to be open and honest BEFORE the event. Communication is the key to a peaceful holiday season. Trust me, I don’t for ONE SECOND think it’s easy to have tough conversations. It can be so hard. BUT you know what is harder? Not having those conversations and it leading to unmet expectations, confusion, and ultimately no one having a good time during the seemingly most wonderful time of the year.
Let’s say you have four different family events that you are expected to attend every. single. year. But this year, you don’t want to be gone all day. You have kids now and quite frankly, you just want this time to be slower and quieter! Start ahead of time and decide with your sweetie which gatherings you would like to attend and then communicate that to your family. Let them know that you have decided that going to (however many you choose) is the best thing for your family right now. Be confident, direct, and loving without making excuses. Maybe you’ll get some hurt feelings or backlash but know that it’s not about you but rather about their expectations not being met. Be mindful that you’re not required to meet their expectations.
If you have made your plans known and are no longer planning to rush to every gathering, then nothing will remain inside of you that will bother you and start a war within yourself that will inevitably come out in a heated way. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone in the situation. When you communicate, no one is in the dark and everyone knows what to expect.
4. When all else fails, pretend you’re in a movie.
This came out of left field, I realize that. But I wanted to end with a practical tool that has actually helped me in the past.
When you’re faced with the reality that you must be in a difficult situation this holiday season, one you absolutely feel you can’t get out of, just pretend you’re in a really funny, smart screen play. Let’s say your brother makes a political reference others in the room really don’t like and you know what is about to happen. If you can’t leave, just lean in, imagine you’re in a comedy, and watch it unfold. If you’re with someone, bring them in on it. Quietly laugh together. This will NOT get to the root of the issues at hand or the hurt you may feel, but it will feel better in the moment. Later, maybe you will choose to analyze, unpack it, and get some clarity by way of a counselor or mentor.
The holidays can be really sweet! Some of the best, most intentional times are ahead of you when you decide that you will start implementing the correct boundaries. Remember it is not YOUR responsibility to make this season joyful for other people. There is no way you have that kind of power. But you can make it joyful for your family starting with these steps.
I hope y’all have a VERY Merry Christmas and the happiest New Year ever!
